Better Dads Better Kids

It also was easier back when TV shows helped with parenting, as opposed to hurting.  One of the all-time greats was The Andy Griffith Show, where an entertaining story would end with Andy teaching a life lesson to his son Opie.  One of the best episodes was “Opie and the Spoiled Kid.”

In this episode, Opie is impressed by a new bike a kid is riding.  This kid then convinces Opie that his dad is doing a number on him by only giving him a quarter for his allowance and making him clean the garage in order to earn that quarter. 

The kid teaches Opie the latest tricks for getting his way, including holding his breath and throwing tantrums. 

When the kid gets in trouble for riding his bike on the sidewalk, his dad quickly takes his side.  But when the father tells Sheriff Andy that he is being unfair, Andy responds, “If we don't teach kids to live in society today, what is going to happen when they grow up?”

 After the kid pitches a fit and is willing to let his dad go to jail so he can get his bike back, the father finally comes to his senses.  He gives the kid some discipline, and Opie realizes how out of line he has been.  I think this episode is a good summary of today’s liberal worldview.

Christian author and speaker Dr. Kevin Leman has written a series of books on raising kids.  Many of his teachings have become part of my thought process.  One of the best things that happened to me as a parent was attending a program at my church that was based on Dr. Leman’s book, Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.

Dr. Leman opens his class with Ephesian 6:1-4, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth, and you fathers do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”  He finishes with a great statement that he credits to evangelical author Josh McDowell:  “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”

In the first portion of Leman’s class, the focus was on “Reality Discipline.”  That is the action-oriented way to make your children accountable for their actions.  The ultimate goal of reality discipline is to enable the child to deal in practical ways with the reality of the authority of God, established in and through Jesus Christ.

Proverbs has a bunch of good verses on discipline, starting with Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” If you want to “build the home and change the world,” read a chapter in Proverbs every day.  It just so happens that there are 31 chapters in this book, so take a couple of the months with 31 days and focus on this as Bible study.

Who is the authority in your house?  Your life should not revolve around the child.  He or she should not be the one in authority.

Leman also answers the question, “Why do kids misbehave?”  Usually, it is one of three reasons: attention, power or revenge.  My viewpoint is that if you don't get misbehavior under control, then it becomes a habit.  And when it becomes a child’s habitual response, then it's really hard to fight, and you end up with the spoiled or rebellious brat.

Also, if we right all the wrongs in our kids’ lives, they are going to have a tough time coping when they are adults.  (Leman is great with funny quips; he illustrates this bad parenting method with, “Would you kids turn the TV down in there?  I'm trying to do your homework!”)  Kids have to learn that there are consequences to their actions.

Relationship is the key to teaching your kids.  I remember a situation when Emily was about 10 years old; she threw a temper tantrum and locked herself in her bedroom.  There needed to be consequences for those actions, but I also thought it was a good time to show her that I cared.  Kids don’t care how much you know, until you show how much you care. So I slipped a note under the door.  I can't remember what the question was that I asked her, but she wrote on the note and slid it back under the door to me.  After many minutes and a few more notes, her tantrum was over.  If I had just left the situation alone, I might have empowered her to face future frustrations with the same bad actions.  But we took the time to discuss the situation, and she learned how to handle things differently.

Children need guidance.  They want you around, even if they say they don't.  It's important to be able to read your kids and take advantage of times when they are in the mood to listen.  If a kid feels wronged, you might not be able to get through to them at that moment.  But later, when it’s time for a little ice cream and they are in a better frame of mind, it is the perfect time to go back and revisit their episode.

I like to tease.  That has helped me build a relationship with my kids. But I’ve found it doesn't work very well with sensitive kids or those with ADHD or high energy levels.  So you have to figure out what works, in order to approach your kids appropriately to get the desired outcome.  

In Dr. Leman’s class, two extreme parenting styles are presented. The authoritarian parent makes all the decisions for the child. These parents use reward and punishment to control the child's behavior and see themselves as better than the child.  They run the home with an iron hand and grant little freedom to the child.

On the other side is the permissive parent, who is a slave to the child.   These parents place their priority on the child, not on their spouse.  They rob the child of self-respect and self- esteem by doing things that the child can do for himself.  They provide the child with the Disneyland experience, making things as easy as possible.  This style invites rebellion, due to inconsistent parenting.

In between these two extremes is the authoritative, or responsible, parenting model.  This parent gives the child choices and formulates guidelines with him or her.  The parent provides the child with decision-making opportunities, develops consistent, loving discipline and holds the child accountable.  An authoritative parent lets reality be the teacher and conveys respect, self-worth and love to the child.  This parenting style enhances the child's self-esteem.

Dr. Leman's teachings encouraged me to share my own imperfections with my kids.  I wanted my kids to know that I was on their team.  I wanted them to win, but part of that was to put them back in place when they got out of line.  I also often told them, “Do as I say, not as I do.”  I wanted them to know that I struggled with my sinful self as well, and we would work together to live up to God's standards.

Abraham Lincoln has been quoted as saying, “The worst thing you can do for those you love is the things they could and should do for themselves.”  There were so many times that I wished I had the money to do a great deal more for my kids.  But in the end, I may have done a great deal more for my kids because I didn’t have the means to spoil them.

Church was always a great place for our kids to learn.  They didn't get much out of the sermons when they were little, but what they did learn was to sit still and not interrupt Mommy and Daddy while they were worshiping.  This is the sort of modeling that needs to be done in a multitude of areas.  I always find it frustrating when, five minutes into the sermon, a kid has to use the bathroom and causes a disruption.  A parent should be smart enough to pick up on this behavior and address it before the service starts.

Our goal with our kids should be to teach them to fish, as opposed to constantly having to give them fish.  To do that, we need to get our kids to put on their WORDview glasses.  When the world starts telling our children that its way is better and they should demand more from others, it is our job as parents to keep them focused on the long term.